Things That Happened Today On Twitter

"Everything In My Closet Is Slutty Or Casual: A Journey Of Inappropriate Work Attire, An Autobiography Of Every Morning at 7 A.M." By Natalie

Chapter 1: Why is this shirt covered in cat hair?

Chapter 2: It's not TECHNICALLY strapless, so it works, right?

Chapter 3: Why do you own so many pairs of shorts? You don't even wear shorts. Except the purple ones. But not to work. Don't put those on.

Chapter 4: The many ways in which your ass can no longer fit into those pants you have owned since 2003.

Chapter 5: Did you shave your legs? You didn't. How not-shaven are they? Eh, that dress is long enough.

Chapter 6: Sitting in the middle of your floorobe sighing and checking Facebook will not get you to work on time.

Chapter 7: Define skintight.

Chapter 8: Didn't you wear that Monday?

Chapter 9: Damn it, just throw something on already. No, not that.

Chapter 10: How the many vows to buy appropriate work attire will be forgotten by the time you finish your morning coffee.

Chapter 11: Doing it all again tomorrow as if it were a grand surprise.

(Email me at flaneurinthecity at gmail dot com if you want to follow my personal Twitter. Maybe one day I'll actually use the flaneurinthecity official Twitter account. After I buy a proper pair of trousers and a sensible shirt.)

You Find Me: The Advice Round

Much like the recent Weird Facebook Ads, I will occasionally write a routine post after I check my stats and see who is visiting FitC and what brought them here. Previous searches are here, here, and these two here. Today's round is dedicated to those looking to FitC for advice. I'm sorry that I am your source for wise counsel, but I'll do my best at supplying the advice you seek.


1.) DO NOT DO THIS.

FitC advice: Do not do this. This is not a Thing. This will only result in pain and chaffing and, if mixed with vinegar, a penis volcano. Contrary to how cool that sounds, it is not sexy nor comfortable. Nobody wants that for you.


2.) Not Even Close

FitC advice: Well. If you would like to donate funds to make FitC into Dan Feuerriegel's Wikipedia, there's a PayPal button to your right. It will take a few million, so have at it. Dollars or Euros is fine by me. Looks like you get the star for this round.

Other than that, I don't think FitC is quite what you're looking for. (How do you feel about David Bowie? Yes? No? Come for the Dan, stay for the Bowie?) Anyway, here's his Twitter: https://twitter.com/DgFeuerriegel


3.) If I Had It, I Would Share It

FitC advice: Call Iman. She's got the goods.


4.) Are You Asking?

FitC advice: Does Daniel Feuerriegel have a girlfriend? I don't know. Or is this Dan Feuerriegel looking for a girlfriend? Well, alright, Danny-boy. Since you asked in such a round-about way, yes. I'll be your girlfriend. I'm sure my husband won't mind. Do you like David Bowie? You do now.

This image totally does not belong to me. Found via every Dan tumblr in existence.

I spelled your name right multiple times. In Internet terms, that probably means we've reached first base. Your move, Dan.


5.) Magical

FitC advice: Is this real? A whole shop devoted to nothing but BOWIE?! Where is this magical place? Take me there. Like Narnia. I will hop in any wardrobe for Bowie.

I want to go to there.

If it's not real, my advice is for everyone to empty out their piggy banks and we'll open a Bowie shop ourselves. AshleyISee has already named it Bowie's Boudoir. Let's do this.

A Few Things That Have Happened Lately

•  Yesterday I wrote that I wouldn't be writing this week. Humans are creatures of multiple contradictions. Looks like I'm blogging after all!

• If you follow me on my personal Twitter, you'll know I'm somewhat obsessed with the TV show Spartacus ending, and if I was a true Internet writer worth my salt I would have already written at least 20 feminist critiques and analyzed the show and its nuanced performances of gender reflected in hyper masculinity and the blatant examples of the failings of a patriarchal society but then I open up this picture of Dan Feuerriegel in a tub and I'm just like, hi. Um, hi.





Source: Coffee-table book In The Tub by TJ Scott, available at Kickstarter.



I mean, I just, what. I can't. With this. Abs. Seriously. Hi.*


I sincerely hope that there is another writer out there in the wilds of the Internet who can entertainingly dissect this show with a critical and informative lens the same way other shows like Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead are constantly dissected. I'm sorry it's not going to be me. Because, yeah.

• Bullet lists are still a thing at FitC. And everywhere else on the entire Internet for the rest of history.

• According to collective cross-over pop culture and literary knowledge, Hemingway stood at his dresser to write. A few of my colleagues praise the stand-n-write mode. Me? I dunno. I'm trying it now, safely away from prying eyes in my bedroom, and it makes me feel silly. But I can step away to pace, which I frequently get up to do when writing anyway, so I suppose it erases the whole push-away-from-the-desk-in-my-chair-to-stand step in my writing?

• There's a pond near my house with a pair of Canadian geese, and recently one goose got too close to the road and was hit by a car. And everyday this week I've driven by and seen the lone mate near its fallen friend and my heart breaks a little each time in ways that I never knew it capable of breaking for a small, mourning goose.

• I'm so sorry for that last bullet point. I know. I know!

• Here's some crocheted bunnies I have made. They are all going to good homes.
  






It's true what they say about bunnies. I left them alone and boom! Room full.

• If you're wondering why March has fewer posts than February and January, may I remind you that David Bowie has a new album to listen to? That's why.

• A Thing I wrote today: This week I am working temp in an office and writing two stories. After being unemployed for so long it's so much activity. It's like, WHOA whoa there. All this activity. Shouldn't we be taking a nap or something? I mean, isn't it time for a TV marathon break in this office? No? Man.

• I wasn't even going to blog this week. I blame Dan Feuerriegel.

*If you want to follow me on my non-anonymous personal Twitter, drop me a line and we'll continue this intelligent discussion.