In Which I Substitute Witty Emails For A Blog Post

Oh, man. It's like 2008 all over again, huh? Does that mean Obama will be re-elected and Sarah Palin will fade from media attention for 4 years? That'd be great.

Thanks to Jamie of Bibliophiled Away for all the witty banter, teen lit talk, and penis and hymen jokes. 

Round One

Natalie:
As I was writing this, my supervisor came by to talk to me. Whoops! Also, I'm tweeting about Cher. That's totally a thing.

Jamie:
And a special message for anyone peeking over your shoulder right now:

PENIS

I'm cruising to Asheville this weekend. And staying with my friend at the Grove Park Inn. I hope it's not a themed room. The swingin' 60's need to stay in the 60's.

I'm researching baby shower ideas on Pinterest. Surely there has to be more appetizing games than melted candy bars in diapers. For all the non-pregnant guests: take a shot any time any one mentions "baby."

Natalie:
Thank you for the very large penis. You know how I like 'em.

Tell the Grove Park Inn hello for me. I love that place. Try to stay on the haunted floor! Or at least visit and see if you can spot any ghosties. Probably the whole place is haunted, anyway, since no one has ever proven ghosts can't use stairs. No one's ever proven ghosts can't drive, either, so be sure to hide your keys.

You can eat all the poop-chocolate you want, as it's against my religion I just made up to eat out of diapers. But have fun. I'll have the booze, thanks. In fact, I may just walk in singing Justin Bieber's "Baby" for good measure.

Round Two

Natalie:
Lots of cutie men here; I'm keeping an eye out for you. You need a calling card I can hand out. "Are you single? Here's my friend Jamie. She's witty and pretty. Call her."

Jamie:
Yes, pimp me out at your place of employment.

Natalie:
How did you like The Hunger Games? Are you Team KatPee (Katniss and Peeta combined) (or Peeniss, if you're into that) or Team Ganiss (Gale and Katniss)? As I said, I am Team Buttercup the Cat. And in the second book, my darling Finnick, who better have a hottie play him in the movie or I'll be very pissed. The kid from "Journey to the Center of the Earth Again But Without Brendan Fraser and maybe some 3-D 2" or whatever is not how I imagined Peeta-bread, so they must do better with Catching Fire. We should talk about how much better HG was in comparison to Twilight. Because that is what adult women do. Talk about cute boys and teen lit.

Jamie:
I don't know whose team I am routing for. If not given the option between vampire or werewolf I am at a loss. Peeniss is gross.

Round Three

Natalie:
I have exactly one Amos Lee song on my iPod and it has shuffled through 3 times today. Somehow this is your doing, I know it.

-- Nat in the Hat

Jamie:
Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake has a club in Vegas. But then again, who doesn't have a club in Vegas?

-- Green Eggs and Jam

Natalie:
I expect you to be opening up a club in Vegas when you get there. Just don't mingle with the Kardashians, and if you do, wash your hands after. For Lent, you should give up answering stupid questions.

Jamie:
Club Hymen. It will be hard to get into.
I can't give up answering stupid questions any time of the year. Why? I work at a school. A student asked me where the stairs were.

Natalie:
The only way the "Where are the stairs?" question would be better was if she was standing in front of them. But, I can't talk, as I tweeted recently: "Do you know where...?" It's my 4th day. Unless that question ends in, "cute puppies are on the web," or "locale of #DavidBowie," I dunno.

Round Four

Jamie:

Now at this very moment I am drinking coffee and watching the rain.

Highlights from my weekend: made sugar cookies to take to a potluck tonight, and in the spirit of quality control ate too many sugar cookies, watched the Oscars, checked out Catching Fire and Mockingjay from the library. 

Also: Book fair.

-- Jamieeeeeeeeeeeeee

Natalie:
Mmm, coffee and rain. Know what would make that better? Being at home in bed. I chugged my coffee during my traffic-filled commute this morning, and now I'm debating spending a whole $1 for one here, or saving that dolla-dolla-bill-y'all for 3 PM, which in my ancient tongue was originally called, "The Murderous Hour."

I thought of you last night, when I witnessed Your Brad (Copper) and his friend Zach Galiaskfjbiuyabvd rocking matching 1970's porn-staches. Did they plan that, or is it a cosmic bestie thing? Because, look, I love you and all, but I'm not growing a mustache. Keep that in mind.

I'm glad you got Catching Fire and Mockingjay, as my copies are still spoken for. Let's talk about Finnick. Do you love Finnick the fox yet? Because I do. My shiny, golden Finnick. Peeta can suck it.

This morning on the way to work, I was stuck behind a truck with the label, "Scooperman Pet Waste Removal" and a "#1With#2" license plate. It reminds me that while sitting in a cubicle isn't ideal, there are worse jobs I could have.

A book fair sounds like so much fun. Do you get a newspaper-grade flyer and order form to bring home the day before to circle all the books you want? Which is basically all of them? And then does your mom tell you you can only get 3 or maybe 4, leading to much serious debate? Book fairs! When I was in elementary school, Clifford the Big Red Dog was my book fair jam. Why can't I have all the Cliffords, mom?! I may have gone into veterinary medicine instead of writing for a living and we could all be sitting on a beach right now funded by my experimental and successful genetic dog experiments used to create red super dogs, thereby ridding the world of dependence on fossil fuels, as we would all ride our super dogs to work for the cost of one chew toy, which will never be as expensive as a gallon of gas. What could have been. What could have been.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Natniss

Jamie:
What happens at 3 PM? Obligatory snack break followed by company nap?
I remember in the 4th grade getting WAY more Scholastic books than my peers. It was a good year.
A hug for Uggie? Huggie!

Natalie:
3 PM is the hour in which all morning caffeine leaves the body, causing the collapse of braincell functionality, motivation, and politeness. It is a dangerous time to be in the wilds of cubicle land, as the natives become restless and lash out.

My grade 4 self is jealous of your grade 4 self. Scandalous!

Billy Crystal's face was scary; Natalie Portman's dress looked like something I would have worn to Junior Prom, so of course I loved it; The Bridesmaids gals needed more lines; Viola Davis was robbed; And Gwyneth Paltrow tried too hard to be clever with Robert Downey Jr when presenting. Oscars!


Round Five: In Which We Hopefully Teach Jamie to Love Finnick, Damn It, coming soon.